Tuesday, November 17, 2009
So finals are starting and I am not that stressed. Maybe its because I have a conference with my FP teacher about a paper I have already written, and a conference with my poetry teacher where we talk about my poems. Not that hard. Im starting to miss home a lot. The smells, the sounds, my bed... I'm really looking forward to all of those things. I'm really excited to see Flor, my best friends since the sixth grade. I have not seen her in a really long time, and I can't wait to be able to talk to her in person. Its gonna be strange though. To eat breakfast with out my room mate, to eat lunch and dinner with out my girl friend or suite mates. For it to be quiet at two in the morning. To not be able to just go out of my room and talk and hang out with at least four people. To eat anything I want. To lie in my room and not feel bad about not hanging with my friends. To have my mom tell me to do things instead of being able to take care of my self all day long. Not that I mind that, but I am now used to taking care of my self on my own time. It's going to be strange to go back to a life that I am now not used to. To something that I was used to when I was in a much different place.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
One of my room mates reminds me of my father. She comes home drunk most of the time, and it really disturbs me. I get that familiar feeling in my stomach, of pain and sadness and anger, but not saying anything about it. I feel like I can't because it won't do anything, but also because I am to scared too. I hate that feeling, I hate that I have to feel it again, and I hate that it reminds me only of the bad parts of my father. When ever she is around, I have to get out of the room, I can't be around her anymore. It makes me sad to see some one so young already in that state.
Friday, November 6, 2009
So last night I dyed my hair black and I got my eyebrow pierced tonight. Its weird to look so different than from what I looked like for nineteen years...
So... winter break is coming up and everyone is acting like we are graduating or its gonna be summer and were not going to see one another for a really long time. We are coming back in about a month and we will all see each other again. I am gonna miss my friends. It's going to be weird to be in a room by my self, to be in a place where there isn't always some one to talk to, even at three in the morning. But I am excited to nap in my bed. I will really miss my girlfriend. I will miss seeing her everyday. But we will call each other, and IM and text, and skype. So it will be ok.
I like the new look. I feel different, and I look different to match how I feel.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I am so excited for halloween tonight. I will be getting ready with my suite mates. That is one of my favorite parts of going out, is putting the make up on and getting my hair done and putting on the dress. Hopefully I can post pictures of it. Im also excited to just let loose after this week. It has been really stressful and I really need to let all my stress out through dancing. Im also excited to dance with my friends and my girlfriend. It will be a very fun night.
Friday, October 30, 2009
So, last night, I had my first freak out. There was a biology exam today, and I felt totally unprepared. The class goes over a large amount of information in a very short amount of time. I felt that while I understood the material, I couldn't get it to stay in my head. I became incredibly anxious and worried about the test. I felt that I was stupid, and that I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed. I put my self down a lot. But then I talked to Kailtyn and then Flor, and they made me feel a lot better. College is hard, and I am going to have more freak outs, but they will always pass. I guess I just thought that it would happen later if at all. I can't wait till next term when I can take, if I don't get closed out of the classes, Intro to Gender and Women's Studies, Intro to Non-Fiction Writing, and Mathematical Ideas (to get one of my requirements for graduation out of the way). Tomorrow is Halloween and I am really really excited. I love getting dressed up. Its weird to think that fall term is almost over, and soon it will be winter break, then thanksgiving, then christmas, then 2010. Its very very strange how time goes by so fast. Soon I will be 20, and that mean my teen years will be over. I don't think I will feel any different, but when I think about it, I am very different from the person I was at age 16 or 17 or even 18. My life is changing really fast and I am growing up and coming to a new part of my life really fast and some times its a little to much. But I am also excited as hell and can't wait to see what happens next.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
This weekend is halloween and among the many other things going on (dressing up, candy, parties, candy, haunted houses, candy), many people are starting to realize that first term is now ending. We will all soon be going home for our extremely long winter break. Its very strange. I have only been here for a little over a month, but it already feels like home. It will be very strange not to see my suite mates every day, not see my teachers every other, not see my girlfriend and be able to give her a kiss every time I see her. I want to go home, to be able to see my family and friends, to sleep in my bed and take a shower and bath. I want to see my mom and be able to have those every day talks we used to have, and to be able to cuddle with my cat. I want to visit some of my old teachers and see how the new classes are going. But, I will miss knox a lot. I will feel that I am missing something. I really love it here, and I miss home a lot, but I am in a new part of my life, and this is now my home. I have grown up a little bit and now home is not something that has been chosen for me, home is now something I have chosen.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
This weekend is family and friends weekend. Almost everyone has their parents, or some other relative over to visit. It is making me very very home sick. I miss my bed, I miss the sounds that I am used to outside my window, I miss cuddling with my cat as I fall asleep, I miss my mom and talking with her every day and about everything. I miss my dinners with my family, talking to them about our lives, catching up, and just laughing... well, mostly laughing. I miss matt and kim, pamela and peter, grandma, katherine, don, ana, sheena, ian, jamimah, and daisy. I feel a little sad that I can't see any of them right now.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
So I have been having a lot of dreams about being pregnant and giving birth lately. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it might have something to do with starting something new, going on w new journey... or something like that. I have also had a lot of dreams about water, mostly being on water in boat. I think those might have to do with the same things.
I have really begun to love my suite mates. They are all such great girls. I have been hanging out with them a night lately, not getting sleep and just staying up really late. We all took a while to get to know one another, and actually hang out, but now that we have, its been so so so so wonderful. I know that the people here at knox, whose ever job it is, tried to put people together they thought would get along. Some people seem totally opposite and obviously don't get along, but our suite, while we might be different, all get along really well. Well... there are two dorms rooms at both ends of the suite, and they don't generally intereact with the rest of us. One room, I never ever see them, and until a little while ago, didn't even know they lived with us. The other two just don't talk... or smile. I smile to them when I see them in the bathroom in the morning, but they generally don't smile back. But I don't really care, I love the rest of my suite. Jessie, Moria, Nicolette, Gretta, Andie, Alyssa, Amanda, and kate. I love them all.
Friday, October 2, 2009
So, here at Knox, I have found out a few things about my self that I would really like to share.
I have always been a spiritual person, but my beliefs have been quite fluid. I've never been really sure what I've believed in. But coming here, its become a little more concrete. I do believe that there is something more to life, something more than just us humans and all the other animals. Is it God, I'm not sure, but I do believe there are God like beings. Many of them, all kinds of them. Women, men, animal beings, and many others. I also believe in a after life. Not hell, and not even a heaven, but something like heaven, where people go to after their death. Many of my friends here are unitarian universalists, and I am becoming more and more open to the religion. I had a very good friend from a writing camp I went to two summers ago, and she introduced me to unitarian universalism. I think about this more and more, and because the UU religion is so open to all kinds of religions and beliefs, I might convert to their religion and become a UU.
I have known I have liked girls since I was twelve. I have always liked boys since then as well. But over the years, my preference for one or the other has always changed. I like boys more, or I like girls more at different times. For the past year or so, I have definitely liked girls more, and I am know thinking I might be gay. I love women, and my feminist beliefs are becoming stronger and stronger, and men, at least some of the time, seem simple. I still love men, but I can't imagine my self being in love with one. I can definitely imagine my self being in love with a girl. In fact, I am right now, and she is the most wonderful person in the world, and my favorite thing about knox right now.
Last night, I went to another sass meeting. (students against sexism in society). Going to that club has given me a lot of confidence as woman, and as a lesbian. But, last night, it became clear that not only sass, but other things in my life have given me confidence that I have never had before. I have always been self conscious and been very very shy. But ever since fir acres, a writing camp, and especially since coming to knox, my confidence has only gotten stronger. Last night, as kaiyltn and I where leaving the sass meeting, two men passed us by in the street. They started to make comments and even invited us to hang out with them (more likely to fuck them, but I guess they where trying to be polite about it), but at one point one of the men said, "But not you, (pointing to me), because you're ugly, but you can (pointing to kaitlyn)". At first I was extremely hurt. I had just come from a great feminist meeting, and now some random man was pushing his own insecurity on me. I was sad, and I did feel that I was ugly for a few minutes. But after a while, I realized, I shouldn't care. I know my own worth, I know my own beauty, I have a wonderful woman who I love and who loves me, why should I give a fuck? And, I didn't. I don't always think I am pretty, but I have grown to appreciate what I look like and my body. Especially since reading kate bornstein, I have also come to appreciate what I want to be. I am Lily McGarr, this is how I am, this is how I dress, and this is how I look. I love my self, and I don't care if you don't because the only thing that matters is love, and I have enough of it to share with everyone.
I have been a vegetarian for about a year, and I could never go back to eating meat. For one reason, it now grosses me out, and I do not have the taste nor the stomach for it anymore. But I am also protesting the treatment of the animals who are stuck in slaughter houses. But now, I am thinking of becoming vegan for the same reason. I will start by eating much less dairy, and animal products in general, and in the next few years, because I know it will take a long time, I will hopefully be able to become fully vegan. This has especially hit me right now because of all the horrible reports of unfair and disgusting treatment of the cows in the Land O Lakes farm. I will not describe it here, but it is very disgusting and cruel.
Oh, and one more thing, I am very disappointed in all the actors and "artists" who singed the petition to get Roman Polanski off the hook for the rape charge. He RAPED and DRUGGED a 13 year old girl. He should be thrown in jail. Just because he is an artist, does not mean he should be allowed to be free. It's disgusting, and many of the people on the list have children.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
So, today I talked with one of the biology professors here at knox, and all of a sudden, Im not sure if I want to study animal behavior anymore. I love animals, but I'm not sure if I can see my self doing experiments on animals for the next 4 years, let alone possibly for my career. The experiments that they do are not cruel, the animals are not hurt and are eventually released. But, we do have to catch them, take them out of their environment for a number of months, even a year, and do little tests with them. To see how they respond to something. Now, as I say, they are not physically harmed in any way, but what about mentally. They have no say in whether or not they want to be in the experiment. So, I love animals, but do I really have to capture them, and pock and prod them to find out how they work. Im not sure if I can really do that. I would love to study animals, but in a different way. One that takes the lives of the animals them selves into account. Not just the benefit of the findings that the scientists get awards for. Im not really sure what to do....
I know I want to study creative writing, and I am beginning to really get into gender and women's studies, but Im not sure about animal behavior any more. Im not sure what else I could do with animals that doesn't involve keeping them in a cage for months on end...
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Last night I went to another SASS meeting (students against sexism in society), and I began to think that I would want to minor in gender and women's studies. I looked online, and there are a lot of interesting courses available here at knox. Especially the ones that have to do with women of color, and the role of gender is society. There is also a class on gay and lesbian identities. Im not sure if I would be able to handle the load, but I would love to major in creative writing and double minor in animal behavior and gender and women's studies. I have also looked at a lot of interesting books on gender and feminism. The guerilla girls have a lot of great books. One that especially looks interesting is about the role of women in art through out history. Another really interesting books is by Kate Bornstein called "My Gender Workbook: How to be a real man, a real women, the real you, or something else entirely". It takes a different look at gender makes it much more fluid, much like sexuality is. It seems really interesting, and I would love to see what it changes about my ideas of my own gender. The club last night, sass, also made gave me a wonderful feeling that I have never really felt before among women that I am not related too: sisterhood. A connection that is based on the love of women, and the wanting of protecting them everywhere.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Coming to Knox has given me so much confidence. The people here are kid, non judgmental, and smart. There are only a few that seem to be pretentious, but most are just great people. I usually have some anxiety talking to people, even the ones I have met, but here I have total confidence. I can really see my self falling in love with Knox, and never ever forgetting my experience here. Its strange that its only been about two weeks. I feel like I have been here for more than a month or even two months. I also feel so much more comfortable about my sexuality. I have known I was bisexual since I was twelve, but have gone through times where I find boys or girls more attractive. Even though I have never felt comfortable putting a label on my self, I have felt the need to in the past. Here though, people understand that sexuality is fluid, and that I don't need a label. I can just be my self, and love anyone I want with out having to explain it. I just am who I am, and am not identified by small things like my sexuality or gender or race or background. I'm just... Lily. I'm more at one with my self and who I am. It's great and I didn't know that I would feel it so fast. Of course, I do still feel self conscious a lot of the time. I mean, I am for Los Angeles, where the ideal women seems to be 110 pounds, blonde blue eyed, tan and has large breasts. I still feel upset about how I look and don't feel pretty very often, but that is starting to dwindle. Part of it is the club students against sexism in society. Which is mostly women, and feels like a family when ever I go. I love it here, and I love the people I have become friends with.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So yesterday I got a little home sick. I just really wanted to be home, in my room, cuddling with my cat and talking to my mom. So, I just fell asleep. When I woke up, my suite mates where setting up to watch dirty dancing. It made me feel a lot better, especially since I haven't really gotten to hang out with them very much. Later, Kaitlyn and I tried to go to a frat party, but both us felt pretty uncomfortable. It seems that if your a girl, your expected to be a certain way at those type of parties, which neither of us are. So, we just talked till two in the morning instead. It was really nice, and it was pretty fun to watch really drunk party goes try to find their keys and stumble back into their dorms. (Some took what seemed like hours to find their keys, and most of the time they where in their pockets). Today, it is raining, and it smells absolutely lovely. I love the rain, especially the smell.
If any of my family is reading this, I just want to apologize for not calling. I have been pretty busy with school work, trying to get a job, and meeting new people. But I will call you all soon.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
They really really have. People are weird, but in a good way. And it works, cause I'm weird. I also love the openness here. Almost everyone seems to be very excepting and non judgmental. Of course there are a few who are mean and seem to think they are cooler than everyone else, but they are a very small minority. The campus can seem pretty dead sometimes though. It seems that some times that I go to a very very small school. So I'm excited to see what happens when plays start showing and clubs start holding events. My sense of days is weird here though. I have most of tuesday and Wednesday off, so I feel like I have a very short weekend. I love the lgbtq community here. Every one seems very open and honest. The only thing I am upset about is that the club here, common ground, seems to be very stuck. They seem to be all about being gay, 24/7 and showing people that though they are different, they should be treated with respect. I totally agree with that, but my life does not revolve around my sexuality, and I don't need to be reminded of it 24/7, its part of who I am, not what I am. And also, I don't feel the need to tell my coming out story another time. Yes, young queer people should have support, but what about young adult queers? Can't we get advice past the coming out stage, and more on the adult stage? I don't know, but I am what I am, and I'm tired of feeling defined by it.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
So I finally got to start classes yesterday, and now I am even more excited about this school. First I had Biology 110 in the morning, and I was really scared about that. I had this idea from high school that biology would be kind of boring and hard. But this class seems different. It focuses on the diversity in animals and evolution and why animals do what they do. It seems that there is less of the math side of biology, and that is something I am especially thankful for. After that, I had my poetry class, and that seems like it will be absolutely wonderful. The teacher is incredibly creative and intellectual, and she said something that every writer wants to hear: I will not tell you what to write. She also said she will try to teach us how to distance our selves from our poems, so they can be critiqued with out us being really hurt, and so that we can get better. Then I had my freshman preceptorial class, and that was great as well. I have never been in a room with some many intellectual smart people. People who actually want to learn and want to be there. It was great.
There was also the carnival of clubs yesterday and here are the ones I signed up for: rugby, photo, catch(literary magazine), a club where I can meet writers who come to talk, cellar door(another literary magazine), common ground(gay straight alliance), riot queer(another more radical queer straight alliance), and women against sexism. There might be more but I don't remeber them all right now.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
So I got my schedule today and it is as follows:
Evolution, Ecology and Biodiversity MWF Period 2
Beginning Poetry Writing MWF
Conversations In A World Of Strangers MWF 5
I am a little worried about the biology class, but I am generally really excited about this term. It will at least be extremely interesting.
Some of the people here at Knox are very awkward. They seem to be stuck at 13, and don't really know how to talk to people. I try to talk to as many people as I can, but some times it is very very hard. But now that the upperclassmen are on campus, it is a lot more exciting. I have made a few very good friends already and I am really excited to meet people from my classes. On one of the first few nights here, they had an ice cream. Which basically meant free ice cream and talking with people your already knew. But I did actually meet some great people. There are a lot of lgbt students on campus, and most of the l of that group seemed to find each other. I was in that group, and was excited to learn about the gay straight alliance on campus called common ground.
I have been to some parties, and they where not what I expected. The parties where at some of the fraternities here, and I expected the stereotypical jock drunk jerks that every one sees on television. But everyone was really really nice and introduced them selves to us. I might even join of the sororities. Even though the girls cannot live in one house together because more than eight women in a house is considered a brother by law here in Illinois.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Knox has a beautiful campus. It was established in the mid 1800's, so that means there are a lot of beautiful brick buildings. The are many huge lawns and many many trees, so there is a lot of open space. It is a fairly quiet campus so far (the upperclassmen have not arrived yet).
There are many different kinds of students here, and I haven't even met the rest of the school yet (even though I will soon the school wide pump handle, an event where you get to shake every single person's hand on campus). There a lot of international students, people from Africa, China, Japan, Poland, Iran... many different kinds of people as well. Every one is very nice though, and that is one quality every one has in common. But it generally stops there. Everyone here seems to be very different from one another, and that is a good thing. We are all creative and love to learn and love knox, but that seems to be about it expect for every one being friendly. I cant wait to start classes though because I do want to meet and get to be with other writers and people who love and want to help animals. I also want cant wait to start being in some clubs. Apparently there are a lot and I just cant wait. I want to meet as many people as I can at this school.
So I decided to create this blog because of suggestion from my high school counsellor. She wanted to know what would be going with me in my brand spanking new college life, so she suggested a blog. I also wanted to be able to tell my family and friends what was going on without having to write a million different times.
It is only my second day here at Knox, and I already love the place. Yesterday I unpacked, and had many many meetings with my suite mates, and my orientation group. We mostly plated games to learn each others names. Last night we had this thing called playfair, where we played games and danced and did all this crazy stuff in order to meet our other class mates. We danced with our arms linked and our backs touching, with our hands locked running around the field, and we yelled positive statements at each other (YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES!). It was a lot of fun and afterward I watched Ferris Buller's Day Off with my room mate Gretta. Then, I had to go to sleep because I was so exhausted from my long day.
This morning I took my ID picture after my breakfast got interrupted by a fire alarm. We got to stand in the rain for about 15 minutes.
I have met tons of great people, but I'm still very shy. I hope that will go away soon because there seems to be a great group of people here.
The Campus is beautiful and I can't wait to see what it looks like with snow.