So... its been summer for a few weeks...
and I am as bored as fuck.
I have not been able to get a job, most of my friends are out of town, so im stuck at home.
I found out, thankfully, that I might be able to get a job pretty soon. Well, money. For doing some market research studies..... maybe.
And friends are coming back.
Thank god.
But still, I miss knox alot. I miss my friends.
And i really really miss my girlfriend.

I just want her here. Right now. All the time.

So in a few days, I will technically be a college sophmore. I feel like I was just getting over being a highschool senior. I know I dont have to think about after college for a while, but after college is alot sooner than it seemed before. If the next three years go by as fast as the first one did, I will be a college graduate the next time I turn around. What the fuck Im I gonna do with my life?
Well, okay, so Im not worrying about that right now. What Im mostly worrying about right now, as I lay in the dark (becaue my room mate is napping and she needs her rest because she is very very sick) about leaving all my friends for three months. And my girlfriend. I really dont want to not see them for that long.
I will miss my girlfriend most of all. I didn't think I could be this sickiningly cute with anyone. I love her so so much, and I will really REALLY miss her. She makes me so damn happy, so comfortable, so... just... feel good.
It night time, Im tired and stressed, and all this sappy bull shit is probebly the result of all of that but its true, I will miss my friends who have now become my family, and I will miss my girlfriend who has only recently become so but feels like she and I have known one another for much longer.
I don't want to leave.
This only makes me think of when I will really have to leave, when we will all go different ways.

I would love to, in the future, have a job or jobs that are a mix of: Dan Savage's, Ira Glass's, Andrea Gibson's, and that girl from the l word who works at the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian center who almost broke up Alice and Tasha (she was the head of the youth center). And when Im 80, I want to be Betty White. I just saw her on SNL, and it was one of the funniest things I have seen so far.
Can I please just be the artsy fartsy feminist dyke activist radio show host sex columnist writer that I want to be?

Who do I ask so this can happen? What do I do so that it will happen?

Dan Savage came to school on friday. He was so funny and honest and blunt, and just, well great. Hes openly gay, very sarcastic, very rude and crude and crass, and sweet and obviously cares that people are confident about their sexuality and them selves.
Can I the female version of him? well, the lesbian female version of him? (he constantly talked about sucking cock, and that is something I ams simply not interested in). He gets to be on This American Life, and talk with Ira Glass. He gets to talk about gay rights with Anderson Cooper on CNN. He leaves in seattle writing for a cool newspaper, has his own podcast, and fights for gay rights, lives with his long time boyfriend and 12 year old son. Oh, and lets not forget his toy poodle who is deaf and only has one eye.

Yeah, that life seems pretty good. Not that I want exactly that, but I want a wife, I want a dog and cat, and a house, and a job Im good at and love to do. Some times that seems to much to ask, and other times I feel like I could do anything.

So.... what it seems like is going on... is I'm a growing college student who is scared about the future.
Not that different from anyone else.

This weekend was the first weekend since we started dating that my girlfriend and I were apart. I wasn't super sad or anything, of course, I wanted to cuddle with her, and kiss her, but I knew she would be back soon. But it made me start to think about summer, how we won't see one another for three whole months, and how hard that will be. It also made me think about my real feelings for her. I don't want to stop seeing her over summer, or I guess, I don't want to stop the relationship when we do stop seeing one another. I want to be with her, I want her to be my girlfriend over the summmer, but it will be hard. I will miss her a lot.
I will also miss all my friends. I will especially miss gretta, amanda, kate, emelye and alyssa. They have become such great friends, epescially, "the four best friends anyone could have". I am ready to finish school, not have work, leave the drama, but not my friends, not my girlfriend. Is there a way I could just move them all to california? huh? maybe? Could I please do that?
She makes me so comfortable, well they all do, and I dont want to leave that. I dont want to leave people who I can actually be my self around.

It's almost the end of the school year. Soon I will be a college sophmore. It was a weird year. It was... good, and bad at times, but I didn't think I could like school so much.
I found out a little while ago that I will, most likely, be co-hosting a radio show here at Knox with a good friend of mine. I am soooooo excited. I mean, of course this doesn't mean that some one will hear me on the radio and offer me my own show or anything (or even better, a spot on this american life), but its a start.
I just love radio.

Its seems like next year, I will be taking global feminism and anti feminism, digital photography, and beginning fiction.
Im pretty excited.

soooo my girlfriend just dedicated "my girl" to me on her radio show...

makes me smile
but also makes me wanna throw up a little because its so damn cute

newwwww term

So... I haven't written in a long time. I mean, since last term, which was a really shitty one. I mean, fucking horrible, but its all better now. I mean, I do have the panic attack once in a while. But in general, im happy. Im good, everything is just working out. Im taking some pretty good classes. Drawing 1, the teacher is kinda of bitch, talked down to her students, but i like drawing figure drawings. Im also taking intro to psych, which is really good and really interesting, i just have to remind my self that just because I took it last year doesnt mean I dont have to study. And feminist philosophies. Which is basically a history class, and we have really great discussions.
So far, well for now, my dreams for the future are to work at some lgbt center in some city, preferably portland, and work with lgbt youth. Then write a novel about my life, write a book of poetry, and then have my own radio show. Kinda lofty, maybe a little unattainable, but im working on it.
I also have started dating some one again. Its going really well and I really like her alot. She so sweet, and so goofy and awkward just like me. We both obsess over dollhouse, and love to cuddle.
Just... happy.
Summer is coming up though and Im a little scared. Soon, I will be a college sophmore. I hope I will get a good job. I dont want to have to spend three months away from this great new person who lives in chicago. I dont want to leave my friends either. I mean, they really have become my family, and I dont want to not see my family for three months. I dont want to not see my girlfriends for three months.

well, i guess ill figure it out.

A few weeks ago I found out about a study abroud program in Amsterdam were the students can study gender and sexuality. You have a choice between three classes that last about 15 weeks. One has to do with film, differnt types of films that deal with sexuality and gender, and the students can make a film. The other has to do with feminsm philosophy and its relation with gender and sexuality. The last one, the one I am most interestd in, deals with sexual eduaction and tolerance. The students learn about tolerance around the world, how differnt countries deal with sexuality and gender, what they think about it. And the students also learn about how to bring tolerance and teach sexual health to the Dutch community. I belive that the students get to work with the lgbtq community in amsterdam, and the youth as well. Most likely, I will not be able to do this, but discovering this program allowed me to realize what I want to do. I want to work with lgbtq youth, I want to fight against intolerance and fight for tolerance. I want to fight for more sexual health. I would love to help and do as much as I can with lgbtq youth who have had to leave home because their family does not accept their sexuality. I want to just help most of all. It is what inspires me.
Tommorow is my 20th birthday. I will finally be done with my teens, and now I will be starting my twentie. It's a strange feeling, to be done with two decades of my life, and starting the third one. I wish my dad could be here. I wish I could call him up and hear him wish me happy birthday, talk to him about school, all that I am going to do with my friends to celebrate. I have been missing him a lot lately. I am still not used to not have him around. I am still not used to not having a father. I wish I could talk to him. I wish he was here.

So I plan to get, "or the people who wake early to watch flowers bloom
who notice the moon at noon on a day when the world
has slapped them in the face with its lack of light"
tattooed onto my right wrist, with a crescent moon right above it.

this tattoo means a lot to me. it reminds me to remember the good things in life, the people who i love and who love me, when times are bad.

Handsome

Some times I would like to be called handsome rather than pretty. Some times I just feel handsome, and it makes me uncomfortable when some one says I look pretty, because I don't feel that way.
Coming to Knox and meeting people who feel this way, made me realize this in my self. Meeting girls who wanted to be boys, girls who where happy to be girls, but wanted to be handsome. Meeting boys who were happy to be more pretty then all the girls in their grade. This gender play, these gender fuckers, made me realize my own gender. My very own, one that was not what society told me to be, one that wasn't the one I was because my friends told me so, the one that I was, the I am. I am still figuring out what it is, but I am growing more and more comfortable with my self every day.
Of course it has hard some times. Some time I am just so fucking confused it hurts, and I wish it was easier. Some times I wish I was straight and girly and heteronormative, because it just seems so much easier. But I am happy to be who I am. I am happy to be the way I am. I just have to get comfortable with my self, and not care about how comfortable every one else is.

I was happy to be born a girl, and I would never want to be a boy, but some times I wish that it was easier to look like a boy, to pretend to be a boy. I wish I could pull off a more androgynous look some times. I wish I could go from one thing to the other when I felt like it. Unfortunately, I have fairly large breasts that makes this very hard. Some times I just feel awkward being girly, or womanly, and I wish it was easier to act like a man.

Introduction To Gender and Womens Studies

I love my gender and womens studies class, I have learned so much and have become so much confident in my identity as a woman. Every day after that class though, I become more depressed and more angry at the state of the world we live in. Some times it feels like nothing will ever change. There will always be sexism, racism, and homophobia, and there is nothing that any one can do about it. We recently talked about when men make comments about women in the street, when they shout at them or whistle, and the effect of the beauty industry on women's self confidence. Why can't any woman go in the street with out getting a comment about her body, or how she looks? Will there ever be a time when a woman does not have to feel like she is constantly being judged, whether about her sex appeal, or how beautiful she may or may not be? Even at Knox, I know that If I got a party, some guy who I do not want to dance with will come up behind me and start grinding. A lot of the time, they will not even respond to a "Excuse me", "I don't want to dance with anyone right now", or even a very loud and aggressive, "Stop". It scares me but also makes me really fucking mad. What can I do against a over 200 pound drunk foot ball player who is several inches taller than me? What am I willing to risk to fully say my true feelings about when a man says a sexist comment, or some one yells how much they want to lick my pussy when I pass them in the street? Most people say just to ignore it, because saying or doing something could lead to violence. But not doing anything doesn't stop the problem. What can I do? What will I teach my daughter when she is growing up and starts to deal with these things her self. How I can help her when she says she is to fat, not pretty enough, isn't smart enough, hates her self? How can things be changed for the next generation of young girls?

Changed

I have changed a lot, not only in appearance, in the past few months...

the bottom one is from the summer before college, the top is from saturday

So I haven't written in a really really long time

I have not written in a really really long time. Since the end of fall term. Well, I went on winter break, which was about six weeks, and drove me a little crazy because I couldn't get a job, none of my new friends where with me, all of my old ones where still in school, and my girl friend wasn't there either. I got to be with my mom though, which was good, because I missed getting taken care of, some one who is always checking in and who is always worrying, and while this can get annoying, it was nice to get back to it for a little while. I really missed everyone by the end of the six weeks, and was super happy to see everyone when we all got back. I really do feel like I have a new family, and my new friends from Knox are definitely part of it. Unfortunately, my first few weeks back where not that great. My girlfriend and I broke up, and some other pretty shitty things happened, and then I got the stomach flu a few weeks ago. I really felt like dying (not because of the break up, but because I felt like such shit from getting so sick). I haven't felt to great lately. Its a mix of the weather, that lack of actual sunlight, and my loneliness. I have been much better lately, but its never fun when a relationship has to end. Combine that with asking several people out and them turning you down, thats not to fun either. I know its not true, I'm at an age and a place in my life where I know this at least, but it makes me feel incredibly ugly. I feel worthless some times and I hate it. But writing has really helped, I have been going back to poetry and stories and I write in my journal almost every day. I also think about my dad, what he would say, or what advice he might share. I wish I could still talk to him, hear is no bull shit insight, and knowing that while life is shit some times, it will be all ok in the end, and love is what will keep you sane. I have really missed him lately, and I really wish I could hear his voice again. Tell him all that I have been doing, everything that excites me. Like my new classes. I am taking Introduction to Gender and Women's Studies, with Kelly Shaw, and it is a really inspiring and amazing class. My favorite part is that we get to have discussions about sexism, real discussions, honest and true, every single day. My teacher, kelly, is this really cute little lesbian (and I literally mean little, Im not sure if she is even five feet). The other class I really love is my nonfiction class. I have it with Sean Mills, and while it is very hard, and pushes me, its a good and very fulfilling push. I love writing, and some times when I am not forced to do it, I forget. The teacher is so sweet and kind, and I love reading my class mates work. The last class I am taking this term is mathematical ideas, which is the easiest math class you can take here, but it still pretty hard for me.

Winter term has been really hard for every one. My suite mates are all going through really hard times. They all have pretty tough issues that causes them to lose self confidence, and it makes me sad that I can't help them, that I can't fix it. But we are all here to support one another, and they have been there for me during some really really hard times.

This weekend I cut my hair really really short. When the hair stylist finally put some gel in it and stuff, I ended up having what looked like elvis hair. One thing I have noticed is that it makes me feel more masculine. I have never been a girly girl, womanly and maybe even feminine, but never a girly girl. My new hair, which feels more like me, make me more comfortable with my own masculinity and gender in general. I noticed after I got it cut, that I walked differently, that I sat differently and even talked to my friends differently. I wasn't trying to act different, I just was doing it, it almost seemed unconscious. I suppressed my true sexuality for so long (I knew I was lesbian rather than bisexual way before I came out), that think I suppressed part of my true gender (or what my own gender really means to me) for a long time too. I think I am slowly becoming more and more my self, as I distance my self from what was once comfortable. My old friend, my home, my family. I can be some one new, and that some one new is something that has always been inside of me.