Monday, February 8, 2010

So I haven't written in a really really long time

I have not written in a really really long time. Since the end of fall term. Well, I went on winter break, which was about six weeks, and drove me a little crazy because I couldn't get a job, none of my new friends where with me, all of my old ones where still in school, and my girl friend wasn't there either. I got to be with my mom though, which was good, because I missed getting taken care of, some one who is always checking in and who is always worrying, and while this can get annoying, it was nice to get back to it for a little while. I really missed everyone by the end of the six weeks, and was super happy to see everyone when we all got back. I really do feel like I have a new family, and my new friends from Knox are definitely part of it. Unfortunately, my first few weeks back where not that great. My girlfriend and I broke up, and some other pretty shitty things happened, and then I got the stomach flu a few weeks ago. I really felt like dying (not because of the break up, but because I felt like such shit from getting so sick). I haven't felt to great lately. Its a mix of the weather, that lack of actual sunlight, and my loneliness. I have been much better lately, but its never fun when a relationship has to end. Combine that with asking several people out and them turning you down, thats not to fun either. I know its not true, I'm at an age and a place in my life where I know this at least, but it makes me feel incredibly ugly. I feel worthless some times and I hate it. But writing has really helped, I have been going back to poetry and stories and I write in my journal almost every day. I also think about my dad, what he would say, or what advice he might share. I wish I could still talk to him, hear is no bull shit insight, and knowing that while life is shit some times, it will be all ok in the end, and love is what will keep you sane. I have really missed him lately, and I really wish I could hear his voice again. Tell him all that I have been doing, everything that excites me. Like my new classes. I am taking Introduction to Gender and Women's Studies, with Kelly Shaw, and it is a really inspiring and amazing class. My favorite part is that we get to have discussions about sexism, real discussions, honest and true, every single day. My teacher, kelly, is this really cute little lesbian (and I literally mean little, Im not sure if she is even five feet). The other class I really love is my nonfiction class. I have it with Sean Mills, and while it is very hard, and pushes me, its a good and very fulfilling push. I love writing, and some times when I am not forced to do it, I forget. The teacher is so sweet and kind, and I love reading my class mates work. The last class I am taking this term is mathematical ideas, which is the easiest math class you can take here, but it still pretty hard for me.
Winter term has been really hard for every one. My suite mates are all going through really hard times. They all have pretty tough issues that causes them to lose self confidence, and it makes me sad that I can't help them, that I can't fix it. But we are all here to support one another, and they have been there for me during some really really hard times.
This weekend I cut my hair really really short. When the hair stylist finally put some gel in it and stuff, I ended up having what looked like elvis hair. One thing I have noticed is that it makes me feel more masculine. I have never been a girly girl, womanly and maybe even feminine, but never a girly girl. My new hair, which feels more like me, make me more comfortable with my own masculinity and gender in general. I noticed after I got it cut, that I walked differently, that I sat differently and even talked to my friends differently. I wasn't trying to act different, I just was doing it, it almost seemed unconscious. I suppressed my true sexuality for so long (I knew I was lesbian rather than bisexual way before I came out), that think I suppressed part of my true gender (or what my own gender really means to me) for a long time too. I think I am slowly becoming more and more my self, as I distance my self from what was once comfortable. My old friend, my home, my family. I can be some one new, and that some one new is something that has always been inside of me.

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