Saturday, October 31, 2009
I am so excited for halloween tonight. I will be getting ready with my suite mates. That is one of my favorite parts of going out, is putting the make up on and getting my hair done and putting on the dress. Hopefully I can post pictures of it. Im also excited to just let loose after this week. It has been really stressful and I really need to let all my stress out through dancing. Im also excited to dance with my friends and my girlfriend. It will be a very fun night.
Friday, October 30, 2009
So, last night, I had my first freak out. There was a biology exam today, and I felt totally unprepared. The class goes over a large amount of information in a very short amount of time. I felt that while I understood the material, I couldn't get it to stay in my head. I became incredibly anxious and worried about the test. I felt that I was stupid, and that I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed. I put my self down a lot. But then I talked to Kailtyn and then Flor, and they made me feel a lot better. College is hard, and I am going to have more freak outs, but they will always pass. I guess I just thought that it would happen later if at all. I can't wait till next term when I can take, if I don't get closed out of the classes, Intro to Gender and Women's Studies, Intro to Non-Fiction Writing, and Mathematical Ideas (to get one of my requirements for graduation out of the way). Tomorrow is Halloween and I am really really excited. I love getting dressed up. Its weird to think that fall term is almost over, and soon it will be winter break, then thanksgiving, then christmas, then 2010. Its very very strange how time goes by so fast. Soon I will be 20, and that mean my teen years will be over. I don't think I will feel any different, but when I think about it, I am very different from the person I was at age 16 or 17 or even 18. My life is changing really fast and I am growing up and coming to a new part of my life really fast and some times its a little to much. But I am also excited as hell and can't wait to see what happens next.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
This weekend is halloween and among the many other things going on (dressing up, candy, parties, candy, haunted houses, candy), many people are starting to realize that first term is now ending. We will all soon be going home for our extremely long winter break. Its very strange. I have only been here for a little over a month, but it already feels like home. It will be very strange not to see my suite mates every day, not see my teachers every other, not see my girlfriend and be able to give her a kiss every time I see her. I want to go home, to be able to see my family and friends, to sleep in my bed and take a shower and bath. I want to see my mom and be able to have those every day talks we used to have, and to be able to cuddle with my cat. I want to visit some of my old teachers and see how the new classes are going. But, I will miss knox a lot. I will feel that I am missing something. I really love it here, and I miss home a lot, but I am in a new part of my life, and this is now my home. I have grown up a little bit and now home is not something that has been chosen for me, home is now something I have chosen.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
This weekend is family and friends weekend. Almost everyone has their parents, or some other relative over to visit. It is making me very very home sick. I miss my bed, I miss the sounds that I am used to outside my window, I miss cuddling with my cat as I fall asleep, I miss my mom and talking with her every day and about everything. I miss my dinners with my family, talking to them about our lives, catching up, and just laughing... well, mostly laughing. I miss matt and kim, pamela and peter, grandma, katherine, don, ana, sheena, ian, jamimah, and daisy. I feel a little sad that I can't see any of them right now.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
So I have been having a lot of dreams about being pregnant and giving birth lately. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it might have something to do with starting something new, going on w new journey... or something like that. I have also had a lot of dreams about water, mostly being on water in boat. I think those might have to do with the same things.
I have really begun to love my suite mates. They are all such great girls. I have been hanging out with them a night lately, not getting sleep and just staying up really late. We all took a while to get to know one another, and actually hang out, but now that we have, its been so so so so wonderful. I know that the people here at knox, whose ever job it is, tried to put people together they thought would get along. Some people seem totally opposite and obviously don't get along, but our suite, while we might be different, all get along really well. Well... there are two dorms rooms at both ends of the suite, and they don't generally intereact with the rest of us. One room, I never ever see them, and until a little while ago, didn't even know they lived with us. The other two just don't talk... or smile. I smile to them when I see them in the bathroom in the morning, but they generally don't smile back. But I don't really care, I love the rest of my suite. Jessie, Moria, Nicolette, Gretta, Andie, Alyssa, Amanda, and kate. I love them all.
Friday, October 2, 2009
So, here at Knox, I have found out a few things about my self that I would really like to share.
I have always been a spiritual person, but my beliefs have been quite fluid. I've never been really sure what I've believed in. But coming here, its become a little more concrete. I do believe that there is something more to life, something more than just us humans and all the other animals. Is it God, I'm not sure, but I do believe there are God like beings. Many of them, all kinds of them. Women, men, animal beings, and many others. I also believe in a after life. Not hell, and not even a heaven, but something like heaven, where people go to after their death. Many of my friends here are unitarian universalists, and I am becoming more and more open to the religion. I had a very good friend from a writing camp I went to two summers ago, and she introduced me to unitarian universalism. I think about this more and more, and because the UU religion is so open to all kinds of religions and beliefs, I might convert to their religion and become a UU.
I have known I have liked girls since I was twelve. I have always liked boys since then as well. But over the years, my preference for one or the other has always changed. I like boys more, or I like girls more at different times. For the past year or so, I have definitely liked girls more, and I am know thinking I might be gay. I love women, and my feminist beliefs are becoming stronger and stronger, and men, at least some of the time, seem simple. I still love men, but I can't imagine my self being in love with one. I can definitely imagine my self being in love with a girl. In fact, I am right now, and she is the most wonderful person in the world, and my favorite thing about knox right now.
Last night, I went to another sass meeting. (students against sexism in society). Going to that club has given me a lot of confidence as woman, and as a lesbian. But, last night, it became clear that not only sass, but other things in my life have given me confidence that I have never had before. I have always been self conscious and been very very shy. But ever since fir acres, a writing camp, and especially since coming to knox, my confidence has only gotten stronger. Last night, as kaiyltn and I where leaving the sass meeting, two men passed us by in the street. They started to make comments and even invited us to hang out with them (more likely to fuck them, but I guess they where trying to be polite about it), but at one point one of the men said, "But not you, (pointing to me), because you're ugly, but you can (pointing to kaitlyn)". At first I was extremely hurt. I had just come from a great feminist meeting, and now some random man was pushing his own insecurity on me. I was sad, and I did feel that I was ugly for a few minutes. But after a while, I realized, I shouldn't care. I know my own worth, I know my own beauty, I have a wonderful woman who I love and who loves me, why should I give a fuck? And, I didn't. I don't always think I am pretty, but I have grown to appreciate what I look like and my body. Especially since reading kate bornstein, I have also come to appreciate what I want to be. I am Lily McGarr, this is how I am, this is how I dress, and this is how I look. I love my self, and I don't care if you don't because the only thing that matters is love, and I have enough of it to share with everyone.
I have been a vegetarian for about a year, and I could never go back to eating meat. For one reason, it now grosses me out, and I do not have the taste nor the stomach for it anymore. But I am also protesting the treatment of the animals who are stuck in slaughter houses. But now, I am thinking of becoming vegan for the same reason. I will start by eating much less dairy, and animal products in general, and in the next few years, because I know it will take a long time, I will hopefully be able to become fully vegan. This has especially hit me right now because of all the horrible reports of unfair and disgusting treatment of the cows in the Land O Lakes farm. I will not describe it here, but it is very disgusting and cruel.
Oh, and one more thing, I am very disappointed in all the actors and "artists" who singed the petition to get Roman Polanski off the hook for the rape charge. He RAPED and DRUGGED a 13 year old girl. He should be thrown in jail. Just because he is an artist, does not mean he should be allowed to be free. It's disgusting, and many of the people on the list have children.