Not really sure

So, today I talked with one of the biology professors here at knox, and all of a sudden, Im not sure if I want to study animal behavior anymore. I love animals, but I'm not sure if I can see my self doing experiments on animals for the next 4 years, let alone possibly for my career. The experiments that they do are not cruel, the animals are not hurt and are eventually released. But, we do have to catch them, take them out of their environment for a number of months, even a year, and do little tests with them. To see how they respond to something. Now, as I say, they are not physically harmed in any way, but what about mentally. They have no say in whether or not they want to be in the experiment. So, I love animals, but do I really have to capture them, and pock and prod them to find out how they work. Im not sure if I can really do that. I would love to study animals, but in a different way. One that takes the lives of the animals them selves into account. Not just the benefit of the findings that the scientists get awards for. Im not really sure what to do....

I know I want to study creative writing, and I am beginning to really get into gender and women's studies, but Im not sure about animal behavior any more. Im not sure what else I could do with animals that doesn't involve keeping them in a cage for months on end...

comments

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Pictures!!!!

Here are some pictures of Knox College:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/42952112@N06/

if that doesnt work, just go to flickr.com and put in lilymcgarr...

i really love it here

Gender and Women's Studies

Last night I went to another SASS meeting (students against sexism in society), and I began to think that I would want to minor in gender and women's studies. I looked online, and there are a lot of interesting courses available here at knox. Especially the ones that have to do with women of color, and the role of gender is society. There is also a class on gay and lesbian identities. Im not sure if I would be able to handle the load, but I would love to major in creative writing and double minor in animal behavior and gender and women's studies. I have also looked at a lot of interesting books on gender and feminism. The guerilla girls have a lot of great books. One that especially looks interesting is about the role of women in art through out history. Another really interesting books is by Kate Bornstein called "My Gender Workbook: How to be a real man, a real women, the real you, or something else entirely". It takes a different look at gender makes it much more fluid, much like sexuality is. It seems really interesting, and I would love to see what it changes about my ideas of my own gender. The club last night, sass, also made gave me a wonderful feeling that I have never really felt before among women that I am not related too: sisterhood. A connection that is based on the love of women, and the wanting of protecting them everywhere.

Confindence

Coming to Knox has given me so much confidence. The people here are kid, non judgmental, and smart. There are only a few that seem to be pretentious, but most are just great people. I usually have some anxiety talking to people, even the ones I have met, but here I have total confidence. I can really see my self falling in love with Knox, and never ever forgetting my experience here. Its strange that its only been about two weeks. I feel like I have been here for more than a month or even two months. I also feel so much more comfortable about my sexuality. I have known I was bisexual since I was twelve, but have gone through times where I find boys or girls more attractive. Even though I have never felt comfortable putting a label on my self, I have felt the need to in the past. Here though, people understand that sexuality is fluid, and that I don't need a label. I can just be my self, and love anyone I want with out having to explain it. I just am who I am, and am not identified by small things like my sexuality or gender or race or background. I'm just... Lily. I'm more at one with my self and who I am. It's great and I didn't know that I would feel it so fast. Of course, I do still feel self conscious a lot of the time. I mean, I am for Los Angeles, where the ideal women seems to be 110 pounds, blonde blue eyed, tan and has large breasts. I still feel upset about how I look and don't feel pretty very often, but that is starting to dwindle. Part of it is the club students against sexism in society. Which is mostly women, and feels like a family when ever I go. I love it here, and I love the people I have become friends with.

just a little home sick

So yesterday I got a little home sick. I just really wanted to be home, in my room, cuddling with my cat and talking to my mom. So, I just fell asleep. When I woke up, my suite mates where setting up to watch dirty dancing. It made me feel a lot better, especially since I haven't really gotten to hang out with them very much. Later, Kaitlyn and I tried to go to a frat party, but both us felt pretty uncomfortable. It seems that if your a girl, your expected to be a certain way at those type of parties, which neither of us are. So, we just talked till two in the morning instead. It was really nice, and it was pretty fun to watch really drunk party goes try to find their keys and stumble back into their dorms. (Some took what seemed like hours to find their keys, and most of the time they where in their pockets). Today, it is raining, and it smells absolutely lovely. I love the rain, especially the smell.

If any of my family is reading this, I just want to apologize for not calling. I have been pretty busy with school work, trying to get a job, and meeting new people. But I will call you all soon.

My few days here at knox have been wonderful

They really really have. People are weird, but in a good way. And it works, cause I'm weird. I also love the openness here. Almost everyone seems to be very excepting and non judgmental. Of course there are a few who are mean and seem to think they are cooler than everyone else, but they are a very small minority. The campus can seem pretty dead sometimes though. It seems that some times that I go to a very very small school. So I'm excited to see what happens when plays start showing and clubs start holding events. My sense of days is weird here though. I have most of tuesday and Wednesday off, so I feel like I have a very short weekend. I love the lgbtq community here. Every one seems very open and honest. The only thing I am upset about is that the club here, common ground, seems to be very stuck. They seem to be all about being gay, 24/7 and showing people that though they are different, they should be treated with respect. I totally agree with that, but my life does not revolve around my sexuality, and I don't need to be reminded of it 24/7, its part of who I am, not what I am. And also, I don't feel the need to tell my coming out story another time. Yes, young queer people should have support, but what about young adult queers? Can't we get advice past the coming out stage, and more on the adult stage? I don't know, but I am what I am, and I'm tired of feeling defined by it.

So I finally got to start classes yesterday, and now I am even more excited about this school. First I had Biology 110 in the morning, and I was really scared about that. I had this idea from high school that biology would be kind of boring and hard. But this class seems different. It focuses on the diversity in animals and evolution and why animals do what they do. It seems that there is less of the math side of biology, and that is something I am especially thankful for. After that, I had my poetry class, and that seems like it will be absolutely wonderful. The teacher is incredibly creative and intellectual, and she said something that every writer wants to hear: I will not tell you what to write. She also said she will try to teach us how to distance our selves from our poems, so they can be critiqued with out us being really hurt, and so that we can get better. Then I had my freshman preceptorial class, and that was great as well. I have never been in a room with some many intellectual smart people. People who actually want to learn and want to be there. It was great.

There was also the carnival of clubs yesterday and here are the ones I signed up for: rugby, photo, catch(literary magazine), a club where I can meet writers who come to talk, cellar door(another literary magazine), common ground(gay straight alliance), riot queer(another more radical queer straight alliance), and women against sexism. There might be more but I don't remeber them all right now.

Schedule and Classes

So I got my schedule today and it is as follows:

Evolution, Ecology and Biodiversity MWF Period 2

Beginning Poetry Writing MWF

Conversations In A World Of Strangers MWF 5

I am a little worried about the biology class, but I am generally really excited about this term. It will at least be extremely interesting.

Some of the people here at Knox are very awkward. They seem to be stuck at 13, and don't really know how to talk to people. I try to talk to as many people as I can, but some times it is very very hard. But now that the upperclassmen are on campus, it is a lot more exciting. I have made a few very good friends already and I am really excited to meet people from my classes. On one of the first few nights here, they had an ice cream. Which basically meant free ice cream and talking with people your already knew. But I did actually meet some great people. There are a lot of lgbt students on campus, and most of the l of that group seemed to find each other. I was in that group, and was excited to learn about the gay straight alliance on campus called common ground.

I have been to some parties, and they where not what I expected. The parties where at some of the fraternities here, and I expected the stereotypical jock drunk jerks that every one sees on television. But everyone was really really nice and introduced them selves to us. I might even join of the sororities. Even though the girls cannot live in one house together because more than eight women in a house is considered a brother by law here in Illinois.

What the school is like...

Knox has a beautiful campus. It was established in the mid 1800's, so that means there are a lot of beautiful brick buildings. The are many huge lawns and many many trees, so there is a lot of open space. It is a fairly quiet campus so far (the upperclassmen have not arrived yet).

There are many different kinds of students here, and I haven't even met the rest of the school yet (even though I will soon the school wide pump handle, an event where you get to shake every single person's hand on campus). There a lot of international students, people from Africa, China, Japan, Poland, Iran... many different kinds of people as well. Every one is very nice though, and that is one quality every one has in common. But it generally stops there. Everyone here seems to be very different from one another, and that is a good thing. We are all creative and love to learn and love knox, but that seems to be about it expect for every one being friendly. I cant wait to start classes though because I do want to meet and get to be with other writers and people who love and want to help animals. I also want cant wait to start being in some clubs. Apparently there are a lot and I just cant wait. I want to meet as many people as I can at this school.

Hello

So I decided to create this blog because of suggestion from my high school counsellor. She wanted to know what would be going with me in my brand spanking new college life, so she suggested a blog. I also wanted to be able to tell my family and friends what was going on without having to write a million different times.

It is only my second day here at Knox, and I already love the place. Yesterday I unpacked, and had many many meetings with my suite mates, and my orientation group. We mostly plated games to learn each others names. Last night we had this thing called playfair, where we played games and danced and did all this crazy stuff in order to meet our other class mates. We danced with our arms linked and our backs touching, with our hands locked running around the field, and we yelled positive statements at each other (YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES!). It was a lot of fun and afterward I watched Ferris Buller's Day Off with my room mate Gretta. Then, I had to go to sleep because I was so exhausted from my long day.

This morning I took my ID picture after my breakfast got interrupted by a fire alarm. We got to stand in the rain for about 15 minutes.

I have met tons of great people, but I'm still very shy. I hope that will go away soon because there seems to be a great group of people here.

The Campus is beautiful and I can't wait to see what it looks like with snow.