I have always been a spiritual person, but my beliefs have been quite fluid. I've never been really sure what I've believed in. But coming here, its become a little more concrete. I do believe that there is something more to life, something more than just us humans and all the other animals. Is it God, I'm not sure, but I do believe there are God like beings. Many of them, all kinds of them. Women, men, animal beings, and many others. I also believe in a after life. Not hell, and not even a heaven, but something like heaven, where people go to after their death. Many of my friends here are unitarian universalists, and I am becoming more and more open to the religion. I had a very good friend from a writing camp I went to two summers ago, and she introduced me to unitarian universalism. I think about this more and more, and because the UU religion is so open to all kinds of religions and beliefs, I might convert to their religion and become a UU.
I have known I have liked girls since I was twelve. I have always liked boys since then as well. But over the years, my preference for one or the other has always changed. I like boys more, or I like girls more at different times. For the past year or so, I have definitely liked girls more, and I am know thinking I might be gay. I love women, and my feminist beliefs are becoming stronger and stronger, and men, at least some of the time, seem simple. I still love men, but I can't imagine my self being in love with one. I can definitely imagine my self being in love with a girl. In fact, I am right now, and she is the most wonderful person in the world, and my favorite thing about knox right now.
Last night, I went to another sass meeting. (students against sexism in society). Going to that club has given me a lot of confidence as woman, and as a lesbian. But, last night, it became clear that not only sass, but other things in my life have given me confidence that I have never had before. I have always been self conscious and been very very shy. But ever since fir acres, a writing camp, and especially since coming to knox, my confidence has only gotten stronger. Last night, as kaiyltn and I where leaving the sass meeting, two men passed us by in the street. They started to make comments and even invited us to hang out with them (more likely to fuck them, but I guess they where trying to be polite about it), but at one point one of the men said, "But not you, (pointing to me), because you're ugly, but you can (pointing to kaitlyn)". At first I was extremely hurt. I had just come from a great feminist meeting, and now some random man was pushing his own insecurity on me. I was sad, and I did feel that I was ugly for a few minutes. But after a while, I realized, I shouldn't care. I know my own worth, I know my own beauty, I have a wonderful woman who I love and who loves me, why should I give a fuck? And, I didn't. I don't always think I am pretty, but I have grown to appreciate what I look like and my body. Especially since reading kate bornstein, I have also come to appreciate what I want to be. I am Lily McGarr, this is how I am, this is how I dress, and this is how I look. I love my self, and I don't care if you don't because the only thing that matters is love, and I have enough of it to share with everyone.
I have been a vegetarian for about a year, and I could never go back to eating meat. For one reason, it now grosses me out, and I do not have the taste nor the stomach for it anymore. But I am also protesting the treatment of the animals who are stuck in slaughter houses. But now, I am thinking of becoming vegan for the same reason. I will start by eating much less dairy, and animal products in general, and in the next few years, because I know it will take a long time, I will hopefully be able to become fully vegan. This has especially hit me right now because of all the horrible reports of unfair and disgusting treatment of the cows in the Land O Lakes farm. I will not describe it here, but it is very disgusting and cruel.
Oh, and one more thing, I am very disappointed in all the actors and "artists" who singed the petition to get Roman Polanski off the hook for the rape charge. He RAPED and DRUGGED a 13 year old girl. He should be thrown in jail. Just because he is an artist, does not mean he should be allowed to be free. It's disgusting, and many of the people on the list have children.